But it came, and I was heartbroken and unprepared. Even more so than the first time. I felt no peace. No comfort. I felt that part of my very being was ripped away from me the second I sat down at my first gate, realizing I was about to get on a series of airplanes that would take me to the complete opposite side of the world from everyone who makes me who I am. Needless to say, I did not want to go. But I KNEW that this is where I needed to be for these next two months and that if I let this temporary discomfort stop me from chasing after God's voice, I would be failing Him; and I refused to ignore His voice. So although my insides wanted to dig my heals into the ground and hold on tightly to the nearest railing or door that would stop my body from walking onto that plane, my hands and legs seemed to be perfectly sane, because I found my legs were walking me to my assigned seat and my hands buckling myself in.
Last night, was my second night here. And I've still been struggling. My emotions are intensified and I feel so much going on in my heart and in my head that I can't even begin sort it out to make sense of it all. I'm feeling extra sensitive and something someone said just seemed to hit me the wrong way and I broke down a little. I wondered what in the world I'm doing here and why would I put myself through something that seems to be so heartbreaking. Or even better, how could God possibly stand to give someone a calling that inflicts so much pain upon him or her? So looking for comfort I opened a book that Charlie's mom let me borrow called My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. His hands were on mine as I flipped to the page He wanted me to see and God spoke to my heart just as I needed Him to.
The page talked about how God will set a vision in our hearts, and too often, before that vision can even be brought to reality, we lose patience and give up. And that occurs most while He is in the process of bending and breaking us to make us into exactly what we need to be in order to make that vision come alive. It says this:
"God gives us the vision, then He takes us down to the valley to batter us into the shape of the vision, and it is in the valley that so many of us faint and give way. Every vision will be made real if we will have the patience. Think of the enormous leisure of God! He is never in a hurry. We are always in a frantic hurry. In the light of the glory of the vision we go forth to do things, but the vision is not real in us yet; and God has to take us into the valley, and put us through fires and floods to batter us into shape, until we get to the place where he can trust us in the veritable reality. Ever since we had the vision God has been at work, getting us into shape of the ideal, and over and over again we escape from His hand and try to batter ourselves into our own shape."
